What is the best way to sum up what could very well be the hardest two year stretch of my life?
That’s the question that I have been asking myself for weeks in regards to trying to write a story about my life. I scrapped so many ideas, interviewed a couple of people for quotes about myself, and even thought about writing in the third person to summarize the back stretch of my college career.
But the same writer’s block would occur. Every. Single. Time.
Well now I’m limited on time and I only have one scheduled interview left. Then it hit me.
This last interview WILL be this paper.
Who better to sit down with then the person that has been there with you through thick and thin throughout this entire stretch? I could then of course bring people that have played a pivotal role with me up in conversation and talk about what was said between us.
THIS. IS. PERFECT.
I really wanted to depict my life in a non-bias way while staying honest to myself as a reporter. But I’ve come to the conclusion that the best way to hear my story is through myself.
I am even more than happy to be able to share my curtain call at SUNY Cortland with my father, Bryant Lewis.
This conversation will be about the hardships I’ve had to deal with since transferring into SUNY Cortland, with my father as a witness to how i’ve gotten through each hardship that crossed my path, whether it was dealing some mental health issues during the pandemic, trying to lose weight, losing my mother and my dream, and getting back to the deans list.
Grab a coffee and something to eat while you’re at it. You’ll be sitting there for a while.
Enjoy!
Jordan Lewis: During the pandemic, we had just found out that I started to develop anxiety. I started getting this ridiculous chest pain before I went to sleep to the point where we thought there was something wrong with my heart. I’ll never forget that day because it really hit me out of no where. Just being there with me at that time, as a parent, what was it like for you to have to be there for your child who’s experiencing something that has never happened before, and you may have not really had much experience helping someone before.
Bryant Lewis: That’s a tough question, bud. I don’t think it was that hard for me because I myself dealt with depression, too. I felt pretty equipped to help you out with whatever you needed. I tried my hardest to be as understanding as possible and help guide you through the steps that were necessary. I think the only thing I would’ve done differently was get you involved with a therapist earlier. It was a tough time to go through. The entire world was shut down, and for the most part, we didn’t know how to handle it.
J.L.: It was definitely hard, pops. It was tough seeing everything on social media and not knowing what was next. It was hard to even try to sleep at night.
B.L.: There would be times where I would peep into your room just to see how you were doing. I was ready to do whatever I needed to do.
J.L.: Trust pops, I appreciate you for that, and you know that. It was worrisome for me, obviously since I’m going through it, but sometimes it just felt so overwhelming and I couldn’t even describe what was going on. I know one of the biggest worries for Mom was that she felt that if she said the wrong thing, it could easily send me off into attack mode. She tried her hardest to figure it out while she was around. Did you feel like that was something you had to try and figure out as well?
B.L.: Yes in a way. I always wanted to make sure I made you feel comfortable. But like I said, I’ve dealt with similar feelings, as well. But I had to deal with it on my own, so I figured out what to say to myself.
J.L.: I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to see one because I felt like they wouldn’t understand me. I was trapped in my own bubble and felt like I couldn’t even express my feelings cause people would think I’m crazy. When I talked with grandma she even told me she felt nervous because I wouldn’t go to her to speak. She said “It’s really hard for her to see me go through that,” and she just wanted to “do what was best for me.” Did you feel as though there were times where you know you had a support system, but mentally you were so clouded, you felt like you couldn’t speak to anyone?
B.L.: I probably could have talked to some people. I just never wanted to. I didn’t want to burden people with my own problems. I never really went to seek help from people. It was hovering over me since I was 10, and I felt like eventually I would overcome it.
J.L.: Trying to figure things out on your own is tough, but it’s gratifying to realize you figured it out and combat those feelings you are going up against. This whole time though, I’m combatting something huge: I ain’t in school at the time. A lot of kids hate school, but I feel as though I thrive in an environment where I can be social and go through my athletic prowess. In regards to picking a new school, did you want to be more apart of the decision due to everything I was going through mentally?
B.L.: Not really. You were pretty determined to go to Cortland. I remember that was your second choice coming out of high school, and you were pretty adamant when we looked for schools that Cortland would be the place we attended. I still feel guilty sometimes in a financial standpoint when you left Springfield. It ate at me pretty bad. I’m really glad you went to Cortland, so I was fine with it. You handled the change way better than I did at the time. Of course cause I’m your dad, that part of me wants to be involved in a decision like that, but you did perfectly fine with it.
J.L.: So now we fast forward through that summer of 2020 and now I’m back up at school. When talking with Nick, Nate, and Wes (cousins), they were worried about me a lot. Nate even said to me that he wished “there was a chip planted inside of me to show what kind of a mood I’m in that would notify the family.” They always made sure I checked in and that I was okay. With everything that transpired with me through the pandemic, football getting shut and COVID numbers getting to a point where they were pretty high, was there any worry on your end when I initially went back? OR did you feel as though I was starting to figure things out.
B.L.: I’m going to worry because you’re my child. But I was comfortable because it was a new environment for you, and despite all those restrictions I knew that this would be good for you because it was an environment you were accustomed to. Even after football got canceled, I heard you over the phone, and I felt that you were taking baby steps to getting back to you.
J.L.: I really was fine those first couple of months. I really did enjoy being back despite everything. During October of that 2020 semester, COVID got out of control so I come home and do school online for the rest of the semester. When we talked about me going back for the Spring 2021 semester, as much as I wanted to back because football was back, something just told me to stay home. And I’m glad I did. 3 days into the new semester, Mom gets called up to heaven. Everyone that knows me knows that Mom and yourself are everything to me, and Mom and I had a very special kind of bond. Around that time, what did you feel you had to do in order to help me remain sane, for lack of a better term?
B.L.: I would get on you and be hard on you during that time because you weren’t really doing anything besides staying in your room. I knew that if there was one thing in life that you would never do, it would be to fail your mother. She would’ve been very upset if the path to success you were on got completely derailed. I tried to use your mom as motivation and I couldn’t allow you to backslide. Now it’s just you and I, and I just could not allow you to fail. I knew I would do whatever I could to help you out in any way I could.
J.L.: Man, Mom would’ve been cool if I took two steps outside. She was proud of me with whatever I did as long as it didn’t negatively effected me.
B.L.: For sure. But you and I both know your mother would’ve been PISSED if anything happened with you.
J.L.: Yeah… Yeah… You ain’t wrong about that.
B.L.: I knew sometimes I had to be hard on you, and I couldn’t allow you or your brother to fail. Lord knows your mother would’ve been haunting me in my sleep saying “what in the world are you doing with MY child.”
J.L.: You and Mom always made sure I stayed on that path to success no matter what. It wasn’t easy though. After grieving and slowly getting myself back into shape, preseason for football comes around, and in week two my body was just not responding well to the hits, so ultimately my football career comes to a close which shatters me because the NFL was my dream, regardless if I was at a Division III school. At this point, I reach an all-time low, I put on an excruciating amount of weight, I experienced suicidal tendencies, and ultimately check myself into a psych ward up here in Cortland. It got to a point where you and I didn’t even know what to say to each other because our emotions are at an all-time high. While I was in there, what was going through your head?
B.L.: I was very sad and scared for you. Aunt Desi and I talked a lot about you during that time. She has been nothing but a blessing as your aunt and your godmother. I felt powerless for the first time in regards to helping you get through what you needed to get through.
J.L.: At that point I’m 20, about to turn 21. There’s so many things I didn’t know how to deal with yet. So many new things attacked me at one time. I really had to get through it myself. It was so weird not playing football anymore. I’ve played it since I was 5 years old, and everytime I stepped out there, I made magic happen. But Nick summed it up perfectly when he and Aunt Des picked me up from the psych ward, he just gave me the biggest embrace and told me “don’t ever feel like you’re alone. There’s a whole tribe behind you that got you.”
B.L.: You and Nick were raised as brothers, not cousins. So that embrace doesn’t even surprise me.
J.L.: The difficulty now was that I wanted something to do. I remember calling you and asking you “what if I hopped back on the track?” I knew it was going to be tough because at this point, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been at about 230 pounds with such a big gut. It was hard to look at myself in the mirror sometimes. But I decided to go through with it and try to get back to this point. Was there any recollection during that time where I was getting adjusted that it was too far fetched a goal for me to try and get back to being a track athlete?
B.L.: I never thought it was too far fetched. I just knew you needed to do something because your competitive spirit was going to eat at you. You had a year and a half left of college and I knew it would’ve bothered you if you didn’t do anything. I didn’t realize you were that heavy, so when you told me I was genuinely in shock. I know you wanted to get strong for football as well, but the amount of inactivity you had didn’t make it a healthy weight again. I didn’t know if you would qualify for conference or regionals, but I just knew that doing it for you would’ve been so enjoyable for you to be apart of it. I really did miss seeing you in a jersey. Hearing how happy you were over the phone, and then coming up for the senior day meet and seeing how happy you were amongst your teammates, I was just so proud of you that day.
J.L.: A lot of what I was able to accomplish I have to really credit to Aaron [Jones], Hagie [Sesay], and Brett [Morse]. They helped me out in more ways than I could ever imagine. Before we left to go back home, Brett told me “you could have all the motivation in the world, but with no self-discipline, you won’t accomplish any goals you set out for yourself.” I knew they had faith in me, but at this point, I knew there was nothing I had to prove to anyone. I made it a mission last summer to workout sometimes three times a day. Fast forward through the summer, I get back to school after being at 235 pounds, and I came back at 183 pounds. From your perspective, where did you see the flip get switched in me?
B.L.: Definitely last summer. I knew you were very determined when you came home once you sw the program for workouts and how excited you were to workout constantly throughout the summer. I know how you are, so nothing that transpired after you declared to go out for the team surprised me.
J.L.: And here we are present day. I made it through track, consistently back on the dean’s list, I feel as amazing as ever in regards to my mental and physical well being, and now on the brink of graduation. I found a quote and set it to all the guys back in the fall. “You got to go through hell in order to see heaven.” It’s been the story of my college career. I’m about to be the first out of my childhood household (mom, dad, and I) to have a college degree. So in regards to that quote, how do you feel about everything going forward as it seems as though I have finally gone through that extremely long rough patch in life?
B.L.: I can’t say enough of how extremely proud of you I am. I’ve always been that way, but even more now. You’re your mothers child. You never quit. You were this little shy kid and now have grown into this personality that lights up any room that he walks into. It’s been a joy to watch over the past almost 23 years but especially the last two. Heaven will just keep looking bright here on Earth with you around. There hasn’t been anything you’ve set out to do that you have ultimately failed in. Only the special ones can say that, and I’ve seen it with my own eyes. You may have not ultimately reached the goals you set out, but failure is giving up. And you never did. You fought til the very end, and even at the end you still tried baring your ankle limiting your ability to run fast. So many people that I’ve met that have spoken to me about you always tell me how special of a young man that you are. You’re not going to disappoint ever, and I just think that the sky is the absolute limit for you, son. You won’t follow success. Success will follow you.